Nurse Grouchy Butt

It’s the evening following my surgery and the nurse comes in and asks if I’m ready to get up? I still feel horrible, still feel as if I just got hit by a bus. But I think well, maybe it’ll get better once I get up. When I had my c-section, I was a little nervous to get out of bed the first time from all the horror stories I had heard. But I got out of bed no with problem, maybe this time would be the same?

I try to get into a sitting position on the bed, but I can’t do it! The nurse and my husband help me by holding onto my back. My right leg is working just fine, but I cannot move my left leg! I’m semi-sitting at this time with assistance but too far back in the bed to attempt to stand. I start trying to swing my legs to get closer to the edge of the bed. And yet again, my left leg isn’t moving, I start crying. I immediately think something is horribly wrong! The nurse definitely isn’t helping by saying, “well if this is the best you can do and all you got then we’re going to have to do this another way!” I knew what she meant, she meant she was going to put me on a bedpan! She thought this 32 year old was going to use a bedpan! I replied back to her, with tears streaming down my face, “you’re just going to have to give me a minute.” It’s been years since I worked as a nurse on the floor, but I can never recall coming close to treating even my worst patients the way she did me that night. I told her I couldn’t move my left leg, I don’t think she even realized what was happening. I think she thought that I was just being a wimp. I didn’t want to be there with nurse grouchy butt anymore than she wanted to be there with me, apparently. I start trying to move my foot again and nothing! I just started bawling at this point. I don’t know what nurse grouchy butt is doing but I imagine she’s rolling her eyes or some other form of disgust. I get myself together, determined this is going to happen! I tell my husband to put his foot in a certain spot. You see us nurses know little tricks to getting patients up. I knew if he could stop my foot from sliding out, that if I stood, they had me. Why nurse grouchy butt didn’t think of this, I’m not sure. They scoot me to the edge of the bed and assist me to stand. With tears rushing down my face I say, “I don’t think I can do this.”

They sit me back down on the side of the bed. For the first time, I felt, the nurse actually believed that I wasn’t kidding. This is when she changes her attitude towards me. The grouchy butt nurse turns into the ever so slightly caring nurse. She tells me to sit there for a little bit with my husbands assistance. I do just that and just continue to cry! This isn’t what was supposed to be happening, I am supposed to go home in the morning! After sitting up for awhile I decide I’m going to try it again. With the assistance of my husband and the nurse, I make my way to the bathroom. They help me on the toilet and my husband stays with me. I go to take my right hand to get toilet paper to wipe when I’m done, but I CAN’T! I can’t explain why, I can’t explain what happened, all I know is I cannot move enough to even get toilet paper to wipe! I’m 32 years old and my husband has to wipe me! The nurse and my husband assist me back to bed. This trip to the bathroom has completely wiped me out! I get back to bed and I’m out!

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